I’m back in Moscow now, but Lottie has asked me to write about what it was like. Now I’m along way off, I can tell you what it was really like, an... what I got up to. I fucked Naomi’s boyfriend. Whenever we had a chance he’d show me what he could do. And I know it’s wrong but we’d make Naomi listen. Those nights when her boyfriend was ‘away with the rugby team’, and she was alone, playing with herself behind the wall, it was him drilling me. I’d usually have to stuff a pair of panties into his. ”“Yeah, I know. I have a friend who was raped when she was thirteen and got pregnant. She had an abortion and I’m sure it was the right thing to do. But this was my baby!”“Made in love? Or just an accident with someone you didn’t love? Did you love Becky? Did you make that baby on purpose? Did you want to make that baby?”I sat stark upright, startled by her comment. It was almost exactly what Stephanie had said.“No, I didn’t love her, and I didn’t want to make the baby. But I did.”“Yes, and you. "They hadn't. The funeral was four months ago. Carol and I been there,dressed all in black, as the body of Officer Ray Peralta was lowered intothe ground. His fellow cops all offered their condolences, several ofthem kneeling down and hugging me, none of them knowing it wasn't theircolleague in that casket but our daughter, Eloise. Carol's face was amask of grief, but at least the dark glasses hid her eyes. I had topretend a certain level of incomprehension, the small child not. He pulled down my bikini bottoms hungrily, as if it was really our first time, and fucked me up against the wall of the shower.Then, on Thursday and Friday, he took me back to the house that his parents rent out as a holiday home. The atmosphere was very different, especially on the second time with him there. I cooked him a meal and it felt almost as if we were married and already established in our own home. That's how I allowed myself to think. A mistake, I suppose.By the time we made love,.
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